Teaching Your Child Self-Control

Have you experienced this scenario?

You say that you're not serving ice cream until after dinner, your child may cry, plead, or even scream in the hopes that you will give in.

By learning self-control, kids can make appropriate decisions and respond to stressful situations in ways that can yield positive outcomes.

What is self-control?

Self-control is the ability to make choices about how one behaves and acts rather than relying on impulses. Instead of acting on instinct or immediate impulse, self-control means that we pause and evaluate a situation and the consequences.

Self-control is necessary in order to get along with other people. By exercising self-control, your child can learn to make appropriate decisions and choose behaviors that will be more likely to have positive outcomes.

How can you help your child learn self-control?

Children need help and practice building their frustration tolerance. One of the best ways to make this happen is to provide opportunities for children to make their own choices and decisions. Helping them stick to decisions can be difficult, but it is important for children to experience the consequences of their choices (at least some of the time.) Similarly, when you give a child a choice, honor their decision. Of course, not everything can be a choice and not everything is negotiable. Sometimes adults have to say "no."

Just as with other aspects of maturing and growing up, the lessons of self-control should be age-appropriate. 

Ages 6 to 9:

Children at this age are beginning to understand that they can control their behavior and make choices. Now is the time to give your child the strategies that he or she needs to do that successfully and appropriately. 

• Showing your child how to stop and think about actions by visualizing a stop sign or red light. You can then use this opportunity to evaluate different ways of responding to a specific situation and the potential consequences (both good and bad) that might occur.
• Another way to get your child to control his or her impulses is to help him or her relax in stressful circumstances that could result in an outburst. Teach your child to take a few deep breaths or to walk away (take a break) from a dangerous or upsetting situation. 

Ages 10 to 12:

Older children are better able to understand, figure out and analyze the way they think.

• Encourage your child to think about the situation that is causing her to lose control and then analyze it - sometimes the situations that make people upset are not as awful as they seem or it will be easier to know what to do after having some time to think.

When Kids Are Out of Control

As difficult as it may be, resist the urge to yell when you're disciplining your child, set a good example for your kids by demonstrating healthy ways to react to stressful situations.

During your child's meltdown, stay calm and explain that yelling, throwing a tantrum, and slamming doors are not acceptable behaviors. Those behaviors have consequences — and say what those consequences are.

Your actions can show that tantrums aren't possible ways for kids to get what they want. The classic example is in the grocery store. If your child gets upset in the grocery store after you've explained why you won't buy something, don't give in — thus demonstrating that the tantrum was both unacceptable and ineffective.

Children who lose control infrequently or have an occasional temper tantrum are cause for little worry. But if your child is continually argumentative, impulsive, or if tantrums last for more than 10 minutes on a regular basis, it's time to talk to your pediatrician.

For school-age children, other signs that indicate it might be a good idea to call your child’s doctor includes:

• restlessness
• impulsiveness
• defiance
• difficulty in concentrating
• low self-esteem
• declining performance in school

Adapted from: kidshealth.org and pbs.org